


As I'll Ever Be

by pandafarts



Series: From here on out with love [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Past Sexual Abuse, Seeking Help, Supportive Otabek Altin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-02 08:21:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19195180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandafarts/pseuds/pandafarts
Summary: There is no doubt about how he feels about Yuri, but he’s ill equipped for treating trauma. Yuri, he decided, needed a therapist.They had made it outside, and as Nikolai greeted them, he knew he had to handle things right or risk hurting them both.“Ready my boys?” Nikolai looked weary, and if Otabek didn’t know any better like he had been crying. He realizes for the first time that Yuri is holding the hand he doesn’t have luggage in.“As I’ll ever be sir.”Sequel to Confessions on the Balcony





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! Please go ahead and read the first in the series, "Confessions on the Balcony" first if you haven't already.
> 
> I wanna let you guys know that I don't intend this story as a 'fix it' I don't think love can automatically heal wounds, and I don't think we should expect people to 'love' us hard enough that our trauma goes away, because that's a lot of stress on someone, on a relationship. There are some battles unfortunately that we have to fight ourselves.
> 
> That being said I saw the chance to develop the hell out of Yuri and Otabek, by putting them in over their heads. I want this to be healthy but I also want this to be realistic. And yeah, I want me some Otayuri too!
> 
> Trigger warning for vague discussions of sexual childhood abuse. I don't plan to write detail on the abuse, but it will be constantly referred to, so if that's triggering to you please take notice. I will write this to the best of my abilities. The rating mostly reflects the subject matter. There probably won't be actual sex in this.
> 
> Please enjoy!

It had been awhile since Yuri had told him his darkest secret, and Otabek still thought about it every day.

Oddly enough Yuri’s admission didn’t change everything. The urge to protect and support Yuri was strong before the confession, and Otabek knew it would never go away. He felt ashamed to admit that he was touched that Yuri would let him in to this degree. He expected Yuri to get embarrassed, to not want to look at Otabek now that he knew, but he was relieved (overjoyed) that the blond seemed perfectly happy to hang out with him the remainder of the competition and hug him tightly goodbye at the airport.

As always the distance and the longing to close it was a tangible, heavy thing.

Really nothing new came of this development until one day when they were skyping.

Otabek was laughing at something feisty Yuri had said, when the younger pauses, and suddenly looks serious.

“Can I tell you something?”

”Yeah of course.” Otabek senses a shift from their lighthearted banter.

“Grandpa doesn’t know what my dad did.”  
It’s the first time Yuri has specified who the abuse was committed by

Wait.

“He doesn’t know? How did you get placed with your grandfather then?” Otabek asks softly.

“I got removed from the home because I was neglected. I didn’t get taken care of. You’re the first person I’ve told about the… other stuff.”

”So they never got in trouble?”

“I mean they did for neglecting me. But not for hurting me, no. Nobody knows. And why ‘they’ if it was just my dad?”

Otabek almost can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“If you were molested by him in her house she has some responsibility. She should have kept you safe!” He plows on, even though the word ‘molested’ had caused Yuri to outright flinch. “You have to tell your grandfather! They have to be held accountable!” he states angrily. He knows that he's not being completely rational, but the thought of someone hurting Yuri and not being punished for it has his blood boiling.

  
“I don’t have to do anything! Mind your own business!” Yuri says, before hanging up. Otabek realizes instantly that he has screwed up royally. He needs to be more careful with Yuri’s feelings. He’s just so angry that these assholes got away with hurting Yuri!

A moment passes, Otabek breathing hard.

He feels sick that he’s been given another secret and that he reacted poorly to it. He goes to call Yuri back, but he isn’t sure how well that would be received right now. He sends off a text.

**_I reacted wrong to what you just said. I’m really sorry. I’m still here for you if you need me_.**

He leans back on the bed, knowing that Yuri might not respond soon. Or ever. He wonders if that exchange was enough to make Yuri not talk to him anymore. Dammit he messed up!

His phone buzzes in his hand, shocking him. He checks it in disbelief because Yuri never texts back quickly when he’s angry.

**_I’m fucking scared to tell Grandpa! I know I should tho._ **

Otabek types several messages out, deleting each one. He needs to be sensitive. He can be blunt sometimes, but Yuri’s pain deserves some care.

**_I can understand being scared to tell him, but he’s not going to be angry~_ **

Yuri is typing, the bubbles popping up. It goes for several minutes like he too is struggling with not knowing what to say.

_**I know that. But I just don’t want anybody to know. I’m not exactly proud of what happened.** _

Otabek frowns.

**_What happened wasn’t your fault. There’s no need for shame._ **

He sends the text and waits. And waits. And by the time he’s ready for bed, there is still nothing and the pit of dread in his stomach threatens to swallow him whole.

He sleeps, fitfully, and wakes up the next morning to a single text.

**_I wish you were here._ **

Otabek swallows around the lump in his throat.

**_That can be arranged. Let me talk to my coach._ **

**_You sure?_ **

**_Yeah._ **

Otabek isn’t sure how his coach will take the request but he can at least try.

**_Thanks Beka._ **

For about the hundredth time, Otabek asks himself just what he’s doing.

 

About a week later he is granted permission to go to Moscow. Otabek is surprised that he’s being allowed to take a vacation when he really ought to be practicing. He suspects it has something to do with his jumps and how they already look pretty good.

Yuri has been hit or miss with communication the last week. Sometimes he doesn’t reply for a day or two at a time, and others he bombards Otabek with texts even when he knows Otabek is busy at practice. It gives off the impression of being at war with himself, and it reeks of distress.

Otabek feels relief as his plane boards, and even stronger relief when it lands. He texts Yuri, who is waiting for him, and spots him almost immediately. He looks normal, but when he sees Otabek he quickly makes his way over. His face is lit up in a mixture of joy and relief.

So basically what Otabek feels?

They hug. They never really used to be big huggers, but it felt more normal to do it then not. The feel of Yuri tucked into him was so natural and wonderful that he doesn’t want to let go.

“I told Grandpa yesterday.”

Oh.

“How, how did that go?” Otabek stutters, throat dry.

“He cried. Called and yelled at them. I wish I hadn’t told him.”

Otabek doesn’t know what to say.

“Let’s get home and unpacked okay? Then we can talk more.” Otabek gathers his luggage. He’s actually going to be staying with them for the duration of his visit.

“Ok.” Yuri relents.

Otabek swallows heavily. He wishes that his conversations with Yuri about the abuse came with warnings. He wasn’t going to say they couldn’t talk about it, but he needed time to like mentally prepare for something that bothered him this much. He wonders if there is any good way to present that to Yuri without making him feel like he can't talk about it.

There is no doubt about how he feels about Yuri, but Otabek’s ill equipped for treating trauma. Yuri, he decided, needed a therapist.

They had made it outside, and as Nikolai greeted them, he knew he had to handle things right or risk hurting them both.

“Ready my boys?” Nikolai looked weary, and if Otabek didn’t know any better like he had been crying. He realizes for the first time that Yuri is holding the hand he doesn’t have luggage in.

“As I’ll ever be sir.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and leaving kudos! This chapter will be pretty fluffy, so enjoy.
> 
> Respectful, pining Otabek is my aesthetic.

The ride from the airport to the house isn’t as awkward as it could be. Nikolai expresses happiness that Otabek is here and that more specifically he is here for Yuri. Yuri lived with Lilia during his first Grand Prix to train, but he seems happy to be with his Grandpa again. Otabek hasn’t ever stayed at Yuri’s home before. He visited Hasetsu with Yuri previously and they have all hung out in St. Petersburg, but this is his first time staying in Yuri’s ‘real’ home.

 

“It’s not much,” Yuri mutters. “But come in.”

 

Otabek knows from their conversations that this house isn’t a wealthy one. Yuri hasn’t said it outright, but skating can cost a lot of money. Costumes, travel, coaching fees, on top of normal living expenses could be a lot. He knew that Yuri’s grandfather was retired and that Yuri dealt with the aggravation of securing (and more importantly keeping) sponsorships. He knew if Yuri didn’t have to he wouldn’t. He knew because he did the same.

 

The outside of their house needs to be repainted. Probably needed to be painted a decade ago if the state of the peeling trim is anything to go by. The door doesn’t squeak on its hinges, a sign of upkeep. There are daffodils and tulips and violets in the front bed, and some weeds, looking like someone, probably Nikolai had been in progress of removing them. Some of the violets have left the flower bed and dot across the grass, stubborn in their takeover.

 

Inside the couch appears to have been shredded by Potya and then patched up. The tile in the kitchen is cracked noticeably in two spots, and the bookcase is dust free and covered with everything from books, to photos of Yuri (which he needs to look at later) and a various assortment of cat toys.

 

“Sorry it’s a little messy.” Yuri says.

 

“No it’s perfect. I like it.” Otabek says honestly.

 

Yuri snorts. “Oh yeah, so perfect. C’mon, I’ll show you my room.”

 

Otabek follows. He notes the stair that squeaks heavily under his boot. The whole house shows signs of wear and tear, but it’s well taken care of, and he almost prefers it to the sterile, clean and perfect feel of the small apartment he rents.

 

Yuri’s room is awesome.

 

He has his medals displayed on one wall and a truckload of music posters on the other. There is a big dresser with a generous stack of DVD's and CD's, on it, and it’s really clean.

 

“Yuri, I don’t think I’ve ever seen your room this clean.” Otabek says.

Yuri to his surprise, blushes.

“It’s not usually bad.”

“Not bad? Whenever we Skype you have piles of clothes and bags of food coming out of every nook and cranny.”

 

Yuri scowls. “Like I would let you sleep in all that crap.”

“I’m sleeping in here?”

“Yeah. We don’t have a guest room, but I’m going to take the couch. I refuse to make grandpa sleep on it, it’s too uncomfortable.” Yuri says, then quickly backtracks.

“No! I mean it’ll be fine! You will only be here a week.”

“No if it means you sleeping on a bad couch for a week, I am not taking your bed.”

“Otabek, it’s fine, I changed the sheets and everything.”

“That’s hardly the issue, I don’t want to put you guys out, I’ll just sleep on the couch.”

 

Grandpa clears his throat from the doorway.

 

“You boys are funny. It’s a queen and neither of you are very tall. Just share and be done with it. Oh! And if you want something particular to eat for dinner tonight, let me know, I’m planning to go to the market anyway.” He says and he turns and goes back downstairs.

 

The two teens exchange a look.

 

“Are you…. Comfortable with that?” Otabek asks carefully.

“Yeah, duh, why wouldn’t I be?” Yuri snaps.

“Well, because of your past? I don’t want you to feel nervous.” Otabek says mostly to the side of Yuri’s face because he has looked away.

“I’m always a little nervous,” he admits. He chews on his bottom lip, and Otabek wants to reach out and release it from his teeth, but that’s not something they do.

 

There is a lot of stuff he wants from Yuri that they just don’t do.

 

Yuri speaks again.

“But, if I was sharing with you, I don’t think I’d be that scared. I trust you. It might even be nice.”

Otabek thinks of lying down with Yuri, chest to chest, maybe with Yuri’s body curled into his, and he wants it so badly that it feels wrong.

 

“Yeah. That might be nice.”

 

Yuri smiles. It’s a soft thing.

“You wanna watch a movie?”

“Yeah, okay, what do you have?”

 

They end up watching several movies, stopping in the middle to eat dinner. It’s nice to have an actual sit down dinner, it feels like being with his own family. After dinner, they lounge about, side by side with their heads on the pillows. Otabek is still worried that Yuri is going to be scared sleeping next to someone, but he doesn’t push it because Yuri is so relaxed.

 

“You know, I can feel you worrying.” Yuri grumbles, half awake.

“Sorry.”

 

Yuri sighs heavily.

“It’s stupid because I want to go into specifics, but I don’t really want to burden you with details. You don’t deserve to hear it. It bothers me enough.”

 

Ah, so they are talking about this again. He feels, as always, over his head.

 

“Did your grandfather want to press any charges?”

 

“Yeah, but it’s been too long to legally do that. I missed my window. He wants me to completely cut ties with them.”

 

“You… haven’t done that already?” Otabek blurts, surprised, making Yuri sigh again.

 

“You don’t understand.”

 

“Then tell me.” His request is soft, and not unkind.

 

A pregnant pause.

 

“It’s possible to love people who have wronged you in a major way, and that in itself hurts a lot. It’s hard to look at someone who bought you ice cream and spent time with you and know that they cut you deep. It’s.... painful”

 

“That sounds lonely. And terrible.” Otabek notes that Yuri has shifted so that he’s even closer.

He wonders if he should console him physically but he’s again… cautious.

 

“Can I ask you something? Do you like when I hug you?”

 

“Well yeah, it’s not like you’re raping me or anything. Physical contact in itself doesn’t really scare me if I know the person doing it. But maybe…”

           

“Yes?”

 

“I don’t like when people hug me from behind and I don’t see it coming. And I don’t like the back of my neck touched, or my wrists grabbed. You can hold my hand if you want to though.”

 

“You want to hold my hand?”

 

“Yeah, that would be cool. We like each other right?”

 

Otabek is stunned. For Yuri to put the unspoken out into the open like that…

 

“Yuri, you should know…” He starts, but Yuri cuts him off. 

 

“I know," Yuri says fondly, "You’re pretty obvious, and don’t worry it’s very mutual. It’s actually one of few things right now that makes me happy. I want you to know that.” He grabs a blanket from the foot of the bed and wraps it around himself and partially Otabek.

 

“Can we sleep now?”

"Yeah of course."

Otabek maneuvers so that Yuri is in his arms. The younger releases a soft huff of breath and curls his arms around his friend.

 

“Night Beka. Love you.” Yuri murmurs, and Otabek feels almost close to tears at his fortune.

“Love you too. Night Yuri.”

 

He doesn’t think this is going to be easy but this part at least seems to come naturally.

 

They sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has commented and left kudos! I'm not going to sugarcoat it, this chapter is a little rougher than the previous ones.
> 
> Nosophobia is the irrational fear of contracting a disease, a type of specific phobia. Primary fears of this kind are fear of contracting HIV, pulmonary tuberculosis, venereal diseases, cancer, and heart diseases. This is something I myself have and something that I've decided to write Yuri as having due to his trauma.
> 
> Leave a comment and let me know what you think of this update!

The next day, Otabek wakes up with a very full bladder and Yuri still curled into his side. He leans up, intent on going to go relieve himself, but he pauses because Yuri looks beautiful with his features soft and relaxed and his hair falling across the pillow. He doesn’t want to wake him up but he's closer to the wall and there's no good way to get Yuri to move without disturbing him. He decides to crawl over him so he can go pee without disturbing Yuri’s sleep.

 

That of course is a terrible fucking mistake.

 

Yuri shifts, stirs and notices Otabek climbing over him, and makes a face that Otabek has never seen him make before. Otabek notes dumbly that they both have morning wood, and he knows that this combined with Yuri being half asleep, and him leaning over him probably brings up some terrible memories.

 

He’s seen him mad, seen him cry, but this… this is pure terror.

 

Otabek scrambles off of him, off the bed, and Yuri starts throwing pillows and blankets at him, angrier than Otabek has ever seen him.

 

“GET THE FUCK OUT.” He yells. Otabek scrambles to the bathroom, and closes the door.

 

He does his business, and hears Nikolai running up the stairs, no doubt drawn by the noise. This is it, he figures. Yuri is afraid of him; Grandpa would agree that him staying there was foolish. He’d have to find a hotel or get an early flight back… He can hear Yuri’s grandfather talking to Yuri Eventually the chaos quiets down outside, but the panic rises in Otabek’s chest until it’s roaring in his ears. He can’t think, can barely breathe.

 

He can’t believe the mistake he’s made.

 

A knock outside the bathroom door scares him so badly he jumps out of his skin.

 

“Come on out boy, it’s not your fault.” Nikolai says tiredly from outside the hall.

 

Otabek does not open the door.

 

“I only climbed over so I could pee. I would never hurt him, I love him, I’m so sorry.” He realizes he is babbling, and he didn’t lock the door so the older man lets himself in. He grips Otabeks arms, not quite an embrace but the firm contact is instantly soothing.

 

“Jesus, he scared you just as badly as you scared him. Yuri needs a therapist. I’ve been trying to get him to go, but I couldn’t get him to. I know you love him, son. He needs our help. Let’s get an air mattress today. They aren’t bad to sleep on and maybe you two need some space. Suggesting you share his bed was so foolish of me. Sometimes…. Sometimes I don’t realize the extent of how far this shit goes.”

 

“I didn’t realize either.” He spots Yuri behind Nikolai.

 

“Yuri I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean…”

 

“Shut up! No, I’m sorry. I know you wouldn’t hurt me.”

 

“But still I shouldn’t have…”

 

“Fuck you, it was me that…”

 

Grandpa holds up his hands and they fall silent.

“I think this was a faultless incident. Let’s put it aside for now. We have breakfast to make.”

 

He goes downstairs, leaving them wide-eyed and paranoid.

 

“Can I hug you?” Otabek blurts.

 

“No. Not right now.” Yuri says quickly but then he backtracks and says, “Not because I’m mad, I’m just kinda… freaked out still.”

“

“Okay.” Otabek says, “That’s fine, um… sorry.” On top of feeling terribly guilty he is mortified.

 

“Come help me cook breakfast Otabek.” Nikolai calls.

 

Otabek, glad for the distraction, takes off two steps at a time.

 

“Here. Start cooking the sausage. How do you like your eggs?” Nikolai hands him a package of sausage and it takes a minute for Otabek’s frazzled brain to register that he has been asked a question.

 

“I can do that. Oh, um, maybe fried but with the yolk broken?”

 

The other man wrinkles his nose. “The yolk’s the best part.” He hands him a pan to fry the sausage in.

 

They start to cook. Otabek can still feel his heart pounding. He can’t believe he scared Yuri so badly, made him feel unsafe.

 

“Knock it off.” Says Nikolai, “You’re not the one who molested him, are you?”

 

“No!”

 

“Then can it with the guilt. You think I don’t feel guilty? I never knew he was neglected until they gave him to me, and I didn’t know about this sexual molestation bullshit until a few days ago. He’s 17 and it went on so long and I didn’t know. But we can’t feel bad about what that bastard did like we did it ourselves. That doesn’t help Yuri.”

 

Otabek stands and watches the sausage brown.

 

“What do you think will help Yuri, Sir?”

 

Nikolai flips a fried egg, breaking the yolk purposely for Otabek.

 

“I think we need to let him come to terms with things as he needs to. I think we respect if he doesn’t want to be touched, but offer comfort anyways. I think we need to accept that he’s a little broken now, and dammit I think he needs a therapist. I’ve been looking all over the city for a good one, and I have found one that specializes in this type of thing. It’s even along a bus route if for some reason I can’t drive him.”

 

“You’re good to him.” Otabek turns off the burner and transfers the cooked links to a plate.

 

“It’s my job.” He shrugs. “And by ‘I love him’ what can I assume?”

 

“That I love him. In every way.” Otabek says automatically.

 

Nikolai laughs.

 

“I’m so glad you didn’t hesitate.”

 

“You’re not angry, Sir? Because I respect that Yuri is 17, and that he has been hurt. I won’t hurt him.”

 

“Good. And no, I’m not angry. It’s what I was hoping for.”

 

Yuri chooses that moment to come downstairs, dressed now and in slightly better spirits.

 

“You made sausage! That’s the brand I like! Thanks Grandpa.”

 

“How did I know?” Grandpa teases. “Otabek set some plates out please.”

 

And just like that, the storm hits pause again.

 

After breakfast, they decide to go to a local mall, mostly for fun, but also because they needed a little distraction.

 

Yuri tries on a pair of jeans that have a subtle cheetah print on them, and they fit so well and so tight that Otabek has to bite his tongue before answering when asked his opinion of them.

 

They end up checking out a little piercing shop, where Yuri expresses interest in an ear piercing high up on his ear. Despite their encouragements he doesn’t get anything.

 

“Scared of a little pain?” Otabek teases.

 

“No.” Yuri murmurs. “I’m worried Lilia would be mad about it.”

 

“You never worry about what Lilia thinks.”

 

“Well, maybe I should!” His anger is sudden and hot, and surprising.

 

Grandpa instantly smooths things over, and after they have lunch in the food court, they head home with little incident.

 

It’s not until much later after dinner, when Grandpa is dozing on the couch that Otabek finds out what the outburst meant.

 

“Can you help me with the air mattress?” Otabek says. He is expecting Yuri to say “yes” or even say sassily to do it himself, but the response is nothing expected.

 

“I’m afraid of blood. That’s why I don’t want my ears pierced.”

 

Otabek is surprised to say the least, and responds dumbly.

 

“I don’t think the air mattress will make you bleed.”

 

Yuri groans.

 

“You don’t even understand.”

 

“Then explain it to me.”

 

“I don’t think I should. It’s bad enough I have to deal with it.”

 

“Try me.” Otabek challenges, setting down the air pump.

 

“Promise you won’t laugh?” Yuri says, he sits heavily on the bed.

 

“Promise.”

 

“Okay, so… I’ve never had sex. Not… completely, but he had touched me sexually, and my dad cheated on my mom a few times, so maybe he’s had a few sex partners, and maybe he gave me an STD? Grandpa used to watch all these hospital shows where people had AIDS and what if I got it from him touching me?”

 

“Well, I don’t think that would be that likely, but maybe you could get tested just to ease your mind?” Otabek suggests but Yuri just looks more frustrated.

 

“I already did. It… didn’t help.”

 

“What do you mean, it didn’t help?”

 

“I mean, it all came back negative but the fear didn’t go away. Nothing makes the fear go away. I feel like it’s not even logical, and I don’t know what to fucking do, because they told me that I was clean as a whistle and I still walk around feeling like I’m going to die!” Yuri flops down on the bed, and Otabek knows instantly that he’s crying.

 

“You know if you want to go see a therapist, your Grandpa found one near your house that specializes in sexual trauma. I really think you should consider going.” He sits next to him gingerly and reaches for his hand. Yuri squeezes his hand almost to the point of pain, still not letting him see his face.

 

It’s hard, because as much as he loves Yuri, he’s not an expert. Yuri needs someone that will help him weed through his trauma with the least amount of damage. Otabek wants to help, but he’s not going to do more damage by not doing things right.

 

“You think it would help?” Yuri says into the mattress.

 

“It’s worth a shot.” Otabek rubs his thumb over Yuri’s knuckles.

 

“If I really hate it can I stop going?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Yuri sniffles and sits up, his face is very red.

 

They regard each other for a moment.

 

“Okay. I’ll call tomorrow.” He leans into Otabek and gives him the reassuring hug he’s been craving since that morning. His sniffles die away into Otabek’s chest, and Otabek’s chest swells.

 

Pride. That’s what his chest is full of. His Yuri is so, so brave.

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking to the end :)

In the morning Yuri calls the therapist that his grandpa had found. Through some sort of miracle she has an availability late in the afternoon, because her 3:00 had cancelled. Yuri seems equal parts relieved and anxious when he hangs up the phone.

They are sitting on the couch; Yuri is leaning against Otabek’s shoulder. The closeness is nice, but Otabek is nervous that he will spoil it somehow.

 

“Is your Grandpa going to drive you to your appointment today?”

 

“Yeah but I feel bad leaving you here alone. I don’t want you to get bored.” Yuri mumbles. Otabek laughs. Here Yuri was about to take the first step dealing with his issues and he was worrying about Otabek.

 

“I’ll be just fine, don’t worry.” He laughs.

 

“I just…” Yuri turns around a bit so he’s facing him more. “I just don’t know about telling a stranger about it but I just can’t risk it anymore.”

 

“Risk what?”

 

“Hurting you? I mean I know you care, and I know you’ll listen if I talk about it, but I just don’t want to disturb you with details, and I don’t want you to feel responsible.”

 

“Yuri, I’m happy to help…” He feels a little hurt, and it must show because Yuri smiles reassuringly.

 

“I know. But I want you to be my boyfriend, not my therapist. I want to do fun things together, not put you in charge of my happiness. Just you trying to understand and like… holding me and stuff is really nice.”

 

Otabek feels like his brain has stopped working.

 

“You want me to be your boyfriend?”

 

“Well, uh yeah. I already said I loved you. Is that okay?”

 

“Yeah!! Of course. But you don’t think…” Otabek says. He curses himself for having doubts but he’s already started to say it.

 

“Say it. I can take it” Yuri stares him down, eyes impossibly beautiful with determination behind them.

 

“Are you really into me, or… are you looking for a relationship because you’re sad?”

 

Yuri blinks. Otabek braces himself. Yuri’s going to ask if he’s serious, going to get defensive, going to get mad…

 

“Yeah at first I wondered if that might be it, but after I slept on it a few times, I was sure that being with you was what I really wanted. If that’s what you want too, I think we could make the long distance work.” Yuri says. He looks so hopeful. He’s acting less on impulse than Otabek would expect. That maturity would most likely really help the healing process.

 

“You’ve really grown up. I thought I’d made you angry.” Otabek murmurs and Yuri just rolls his eyes.

 

“Well I’m not. You gonna be my boyfriend or not?” He says and Otabek feels the joy of all of it spark in his chest like fireworks. Yuri loves him. Yuri wants to be boyfriends. He can't believe his luck.

“Only if you’ll be mine in return.” He answers lamely.

 

“I was planning on it.” Yuri laughs, and he glues himself once more to Otabek’s side. Having his arms around Yuri always feels like the stars have aligned, it’s just that perfect.

 

Yuri gets nervous a few hours before his appointment, but they pass the time watching movies, and cuddling. Grandpa sees them several times, and makes no comment on their proximity, just giving a soft warm smile in their direction.

 

 

 

At 2:30 they leave. Otabek goes with to drop Yuri off. The office is probably 10 minutes away, but Yuri will have to fill out paperwork. The session will be an hour long. They both offer to go in with Yuri, but he requests privacy. Grandpa insists on going inside briefly so that he can help with paperwork, and the insurance details. Otabek feels a little bad because the waiting area is small and they have two extra people, but it seems to bring Yuri some comfort, so he doesn’t feel too bad.

 

After a few moments, Yuri is all checked in, and gets called back.

 

Grandpa hugs Yuri tightly.

 

“I’m so glad you’re doing this. We will be back by the time you get out.” He says warmly.

 

Otabek hugs Yuri too.

 

“Don’t be nervous. It’ll be good.”

 

“Ok.” Yuri exhales. He kisses Otabek on the cheek. It’s very pleasant, and very unexpected.

 

“See you in an hour.” He says, and he goes back.

 

Grandpa and Otabek look at each other.

 

“Coffee while we wait?”

 

“Yes, that would be nice sir.”

 

Otabek senses anxiety in the older man as they walk back to the car.

 

“ I hope this goes well.”

 

“I think it will.” Otabek says in what he hopes is a soothing manner.

 

“You’re a good man. You know that right, Otabek?”

  
”I’m certainly trying to be. I barely know how to deal with this. But Yuri can do this. I know he can.”

 

Nikolai sighs.

 

“I know he can, son. I have no doubts. I just wish he didn’t have to.”

 

“Well, whatever happens, we can be there for him.”

 

They arrive at a small coffee shop. Otabek decides to get a latte, and is surprised when Nikolai offers to buy his drink.

 

“You don’t have to do that, Sir.”

 

“No of course I don’t. How many wonderful boyfriends do you think my grandson has?”

 

“Pretty sure it’s just me.” Otabek points out. They laugh.

 

“True, true. It’s going to be hard with you two living in different countries, even harder because he’s been through what he’s been through. Are you ready for that?”

 

“As I’ll ever be Sir. He’s worth it to me.” Otabek says urgently and the other man beams.

 

“Good! We will get him in one piece again. You and me.”

 

Their drinks arrive, and they clink them together even though they are cardboard cups.

 

“It’s a deal.”

 

After awhile it’s time to pick Yuri up. They aren’t sure what to expect. They hope he’s in a good mood, but in a process like this there are bound to be difficulties.

 

All Otabek knows for sure are three things.

 

One. He loves Yuri and he would do anything to help him through this.

 

Two. Yuri was strong and he could learn and grow until this didn’t hurt so badly.

 

Three, and this one was a surprise. Otabek was not the sole support system. He wasn’t alone. Nikolai had Otabek’s back. They were going to support Yuri together.

 

That’s just what you had to do when you loved someone this much.

 

They sit in the waiting room and Yuri emerges. He has clearly been crying, but he smiles when he sees them.

 

“Better?” Grandpa asked.

 

Yuri shakes his head.

 

“No. But I think this is a good thing.”

 

Otabek slings his arm around his boyfriend and walks them to the car, hoping as always for the best.

 

Yuri deserved only the best. And if that meant Otabek had to step up, he'd do it.

 

Anything for Yuri.

 


End file.
